It's been 2 weeks now since my child has been "herself". The thing I've learned about motherhood is that, just when you think you've got it down, something new comes your way. There is no period of calm, there is no middle ground. Motherhood is highs and lows, ups and downs, losses and gains. Everyday is a new adventure, and everyday you learn something new. As my daughter and I work together to fight this storm she's in, I'm reminded just how incredible our bond is. On the days I have nothing left to give, she finds my strength and pulls it out of me. On the days she's fighting to feel normal again, I'm finding her strength and pulling it out of her. We balance each other out. If I'm black, she's white. It's I'm right, she's left. She is the ying to my yang.
But not everyday is easy, in fact, some days are pretty damn hard. There are days when there are so many tears, and I'm so sick of my own voice, that I crawl into bed at the end of the day and wonder if I'm meant for this parenting gig. Do I have what it takes to raise a small human? Can I bring this child up in a cruel world, and teach her respect, loyalty, kindness, and intergrity? Do I even possess those traits myself? I wasn't always a good person, and I'm not sure if I'm even one now. Life is hard. Can I help shape this child into someone who believes in herself, even when life gets hard? How can I know I'm doing the right thing when some days are filled with nothing but tears and time outs? I'm not just responsible for keeping her alive, I'm responsible for what she learns. I'm responsible for giving her a wonderful environment to grow, learn, and succeed. I'm supposed to be a role model to her. and quite frankly, I'm not really a GREAT one, I'm just mediocre.
These are the questions and thoughts that plague my mind when I'm in the trenches of motherhood. When I am overwhelmed with life, with motherhood, with everything; this is what I lose sleep over. I think all mothers fall victim to these endless thoughts sometimes. Are we enough? How badly are we messing up? I'm here to say you are enough. You are doing a fantastic job! You are a good mother.
To all the moms in the trenches with me, you are not alone.
