March 20, 2010.

March 20, 2010.

5 years ago, I had an abortion. I was 19, and I hadn't spoken to my boyfriend in 5 days. I didn't know where he was, what he was doing, or who he was with. But I knew I was pregnant. When I finally got a hold of him, and told him the news, he hung up the phone. I was unable to reach him again. At 19 years old, I thought I knew everything. I thought I was in love. He ignored me for months. He told my mom to push me down the stairs, or to make a "concoction" to kill the baby. He was scared. He was a coward. My mom knew the best choice I could make would be to terminate the pregnancy. I wasn't mentally prepared to care for a child. I could barely care for myself. I was on several medications, and trying to manage my bipolar disorder. I was suicidal. As a person, I was barely whole. I could not be a mother. But still, my heart ached in ways I cannot describe when I walked into that clinic. I was alone. My God had abandoned me, my mother was ashamed, and the father of my child was absent. During my first consultation, I balled my eyes out for an hour. I told them "this is what I want to do", but I didn't believe that, and they didn't believe me. They sent me home. I went back 4 days later. I didn't cry. I told them I was at peace with my decision, and I knew it was what was best for me, and my child. I was a good liar.

In the waiting area, there sat 3 other women. It was quiet, and it was cold. On the table there was a book. I opened it and saw letters from hundreds of women to the baby they were terminating. I wrote my baby a letter. I'm sorry. During the procedure, the nurse held my hand. And even though I had my i-pod on, I asked her to walk me through it, so I would know when it was over. I cried silent tears, and wished to die. On the way home, my mother had to pull over on I-95 so I could throw up. When I got home, I spent the rest of the day in bed. I slept, I grieved. In the span of 15 days, I lost the person I loved, and a child. I was empty.

It's been 5 years since I sat in that cold, sterile room. It's been 5 years since I lost a part of myself. It's been 5 years since I gave up on my faith. Where am I now? One word. HERE. The last 5 years have been everything, except happy. I was living a lie. A lie that I truly believed. I was lost before I had my abortion, but after it, I was gone. I fell in love with the wrong guy. And even after the abortion, after the things he said, after the way he acted, I still greeted him with open arms. For another 2 1/2 years, I gave myself to him in every single way. I don't regret it though. I don't regret the emotional turmoil he caused. I don't regret the way he stole my joy, or took the light right out of my eyes. I don't regret loving him. In fact, I'd do it all over again. I'd do it a million times over...

Why? Because today, I am the mother of a beautiful (almost) 2 year old baby girl. She is everything that's good in this world. Before her, I was barely living. I had a heartbeat, and a pulse, but I wasn't alive. Lily brought me to life. Lily has given me purpose. Lily has saved my life. Lily is everything. I am happier than I've been in a really long time. I still struggle daily with anxiety/OCD. But I'm not sad, never sad. I live everyday with the love of my life, and I cherish every breath I breathe. 5 years ago I didn't know this was God's plan for me.

5 years ago I sat in a plain room and made a life changing decision. A decision that would not only alter how I viewed myself, but how I viewed my faith. 5 years ago I was alone, scared, confused, and hurt. I thought to myself, 'this is rock bottom', while I cried into a strangers arms. I hated God for putting that choice in His plans for me. I felt betrayed by everyone I cared about. And I hated myself more than ever. If I could go back to that sad, 19 year old version of me, I'd love to tell her that she's stronger than she thinks. I'd want her to know it gets better. I'd want to tell her that she'd experience a lot more heartache, but she'd come out of it loving herself in every way. 5 years ago seems like a lifetime now. 5 years ago I never imagined I'd be where I am now. By many standards, I've accomplished nothing in that time. But I know how far I've come. I'm glad I held on. I'm glad I survived. I'm happy to be where I am now.






"Promise me you'll think of me every time you look up in the sky and see a star." <3