I'm no stranger to the word love. I've seen it, heard it, felt it, lived it. When I was younger I swore I loved every boy I had a crush on. It didn't matter if he didn't notice me, I loved him. As I got older, I continued to "love" different boys. I was always so heartbroken when they didn't feel the same, and I'd listen to sad songs and worry I was going to be alone forever. I wanted to find my prince charming... at 12. The first time I ever truly loved someone was when I was 16. He was older, and had a girlfriend. But to him, I was his rock when they were fighting. We had a connection that was different than anything I had ever felt before. I really did love him. It didn't work out, and it doesn't matter why. But that was the first time I truly felt love for someone other than family. He was the first person to truly break my heart. When I look back on it now, I can't truly say I was "in love" with him though. We had a connection, and I cared about him greatly. I still do. But I wasn't in love. Not by a long shot. But 2 years later, I did fall in love for the first time. Real, raw, scary love. The kind of love that keeps you awake at night. The kind of love that changes you. I think the scariest thing about that love, was how alive and dead it made me feel. One second I felt like I was on top of the world, and the next I felt like dying. My heart was whole and broken at the same time. To most people that probably doesn't sound like being in love, but that's what it was for me. Even now after everything that's happened, I still know in my heart that I loved him. But he wasn't my prince charming. Turns out, my "prince charming" isn't really a prince anyway.
I fell in love again on Friday, April 12, 2013. I can remember it like it was yesterday. I was strapped down on an operating table, a blue curtain blocking my view, my mom to my left. At 3:34pm, I heard her first cry. It was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard in my life. My life changed from that moment on. I was forever indebted to that beautiful little girl. I barely even knew her, she barely even knew me, but I knew she was my forever. I've never been able to accurately describe my love for her. Words just aren't enough. But my love for her is infinite. It has no limits, no boundaries. It is everything, and it is nothing. It drives me crazy, and keeps me sane. She is my prince charming. I am happy in life as long as I have her. I know she won't be little forever, but my love only grows with her. I am content with having just her. I've never felt such a strong hold on my heart before, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I am okay with it just being her and I, because she is all I need.
People think I'm crazy for this. I'm constantly being asked when I'm going to get a boyfriend, or how come I'm not dating. My friends say you're so pretty Rachel, you should find a man. No one is ever satisfied when I say "I don't want a man, I have my daughter". It's like people can't believe someone could want to be alone. No one seems to understand that I'm not really alone. I have my child. I don't just love her, I actually like her. I enjoy spending my days with her. And from sun up to sun down, she fills my day. There's no time for anything or anyone else, and I'm okay with that. Because I'm not sad, and I'm not lonely. I don't need someone else taking up my time. These days are fleeting. I want to soak up every single laugh while I still can. When she's older, and tells me she hates me, I want it to be because I grounded her, not because I wasn't giving her enough attention. And when she slams the door in my face, I want to be able to relive these days, and remember how innocent and sweet she was. I don't want to miss a single second. I don't want anyone else to come into my life and steal my time. My time with a tiny tot is limited, and I want to spend every second making memories. I don't think there's anything wrong with single parents dating. If you want to meet someone, you should. But I don't want to meet anyone. Why would I want to meet someone when my heart is already complete? There's no room for anyone else. I'm already in love. Call me crazy, but I have found the truest love I could ever hope for.
For me love is waking up every morning to a smiling face calling me mommy. Love is making breakfast for her before I've even had a chance to have my own. Love is Disney Jr. Love is playing blocks, farm, and kitchen. It's fake tea parties, and princesses. Love is being so utterly exhausted, but so completely happy. For me, love is seeing the toys scattered all over the house. It's crumbs on the floor, and dishes in the sink. It's sippy cups, and cookies. It's picking toys up off the floor, out of the sink, from under the couch, and from behind the tv. It's never having any privacy, and always sharing my food. It's sitting down only to get up 3 seconds later because her water needs ice... again. Love is reading the same book 800 times in a row. Love is hugs, and kisses, and tickles. It's tucking a tiny human into bed at night and hearing her say I love you.
Before I do anything, I always make sure that Lily is fed, clothed, and clean. She always has 2 sippy cups near by, and her shows are always on. The house is covered in toys, and stuffed animals. I go without so she doesn't have too. My whole life is consumed by her and her needs. I don't go out on weekends, and I don't worry about the latest trends. My social media is flooded with pictures of her, and the conversations we have. She is my day, and my night. There's rarely a moment to breathe that Lily isn't around, and when she's asleep, I just want to exist in silence. I don't want to fill my only alone time with someone else. Then I really wouldn't ever be alone. Yeah, company is nice, but I'm tired, and I like the quiet. And unless Doc is fixing it, Cedric is plotting it, or the Bubble Guppies are singing about it, I probably don't know what you're talking about anyway. I'm not much fun at a bar, and I like free food, but I'm so used to eating quickly that I'm sure I have manners that are repulsive. So see, there's just no time for anyone but Lily. I barely have time for myself. Maybe someday that'll change, maybe it won't. But no matter what, I'm happy with life as it stands now. I am in love with the greatest person I have ever known. My heart is so full. My life is never dull. I finally found the love I've been searching for. I found my forever. Lily is my better half, my true love, my valentine, my soul-mate, my lucky star, my everything. There's no love greater, and no bond stronger. I don't know how I could ever love anyone else.
The truth is, I can't.
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